Thursday, February 18, 2010

fear!!!!

I always considered myself a person that was OK. Someone that in a time of crisis could remain cool and calm to maintain peace. I felt this so strongly that I did not know what else there was in a emotional crisis....

Last night, as I was laying in bed after staying up till 1 in the morning doing homework I felt fear. It looked me in the eyes and raised its sword. I over did it on espresso (3 glasses to be exact)and then decided to take a diet pill as soon as the coffee was wearing off. Not the smartest idea. SO I laid in bed and closed my eyes to be startled by the racing of my heartbeats. My chest was thumping with pattering of my heart. I was scared for my life. I sat up and ran to the kitchen. I could not stop the beating, my heart was racing. I told myself to take deep breaths, deep breaths. I kept thinking that I was all alone in this house, what if i died. Tenseness started on the left side of my neck and arm. The signs of a Heart attack? It couldn't be I am only 29. Please God, don't take me now, Please God. Dizziness began and I knew I had to remain still and close to a chair in case I passed out. Keep breathing I Said, deep breaths I thought. I walked back and forth. The only thing that crossed my mind was the Movie the proposal.I started singing out loud like a crazy person "Relax, Go to it, WHere you want to do it!" It was someone keeping me calm as I paced the house. I kept drinking water in hopes of diluting the problem, but nothing was working. Why did I do this? Why? I start reasoning with God and wanted to call my mother who was two houses down.
the anxiety went away, I thought. I felt better, I can do this. Then the pattering again... Deep breaths, deep breaths. I didn't know what to do. I ran to the shower and laid in a tub filled with cold water.I was fully dressed in case I died in the there. If someone walked in I didn't want to be butt naked, Dead. That would be too much. I was preparing myself for the worse case scenario. This should work I thought, Nope, the tension in my neck was back. I wanted to cry but forced myself to remain calm because I thought crying would only accelerate my heart rate. I remained calm in a crisis like I always do. trying to figure out solutions like Dr. House. nothing was working.
What if I died? what if this was my time? Like this? Alone, Alone in a house no one would check on till the morning. I was so scared.Continually Pleading with God. What do I do. I unlocked the door just in case someone decided to check on me and I was passed out. Stay calm, Breath. ...... Breath,, Deep Breaths, Just Relax.

I finally called my mother.
"Mom, Mommy" As I took deep breaths.
"Whats wrong?, You OK? she replied in a sleepy voice
" I'm scared, I don't know what to do." Breathing slowly
"What happened?" As fear became noticeable.
I told her what I had done and walked over to her house thinking the cold air would assist in lowering my heart rate. In her house more fear exuded. Relax, Relax. She told me to sit down but I couldn't. Sitting made me notice my beating heart and It was causing more fear. I paced the house breathing slowly. She called the EMT an I saw her eyes watering. I felt I could read her thoughts right then and there. She thought I was dying, Her youngest sound was having a heart attack right before her eyes.
" Stay calm mother, or I am going to freak out."
She called my aunt to tell her what was happening and The conversation got emotional as it kept going.
"Ma, get off the phone please" I said calmly as She continued talking like she was in the series Gossip Girl. I didn't want everyone to know what was going on. Damn it was 3am.....
"Ma, Listen your freaking me out, I feel my heart racing more with you on the phone." Her eyes were glassy and staring at me breathing. Still on the phone.
" If you LOVE ME, HANG UP THE FUCKING PHONE!!" I yelled as she hung up.
" OK now tell me how your day went?" I asked calmly. " just talk to me please, and distract me."

She began telling about her day and talked to me about movies, shows and the dogs. Then the chills began. I was freezing, Shaking, turning white and looking faint. I'm scared.
"Where are the paramedics!?!"


They finally Got there, and after using the bathroom like 50 times while waiting I was starting to feel better. I remember going into the ambulance and telling the paramedic "I'm feeling better now, can we just cancel this?"
She laughed "NO" as she clicked me in the stretcher

...... I'm alright, I had a Anxiety attack induced by caffeine and diet pills. That was the closest to death I ever felt, and it was the scariest feeling. dying I wasn't so scared of, but....... DYING ALONE.! Not having someone hold you, touch you and love you as you leave. Just YOURSELF.... ALONE>
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